them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
You Might Also Like
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
I think that next job interview I conduct I’m going to ask the candidate “What is best in life?”
If they don’t answer “To crush your enemies, to see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentations of their women,” then hard pass.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
Yesterday my colleague called me a ‘laptop murderer’ because I cut my computer in half to make it more portable. Does anyone else do this? Is it just me?
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
[showing colleague a pic on phone]
“NO! Don’t scroll left!”
My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?