Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
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I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Husband: *sleeping soundly*
Me: *shakes him* Honey, are you awake?
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Hey Guinevere *knight flips up his visor* Hast thou considered my proposal? Because *unsheathes blade* I’m sword of a big deal.
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
That took me a moment.
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen