me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
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Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.
Bloody internet 😳
It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
If you pitch a non-superhero, non-remake, non-sequel film in Hollywood they send your family to a work camp.
Them: Yoga is so relaxing, don’t you think?
Me: *thinking about the time I did yoga and my kids started hitting me with whisks and spatulas* Um yeah, sure…
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
don’t we all