*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
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My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
friend: thanks for all ur help
me:(forgot the phrase “its my pleasure”) i will pleasure myself about it
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
Nice try, cheese graters, cheese is already great.
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
(yawn)
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”