if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
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#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
My husband joined me in the shower this morning. Can’t a gal eat a breakfast burrito in peace?
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
From a shark’s perspective, Jaws is a lot like Home Alone.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
23 Mind-Blowing Ways You’ll Never Get Back the Time Spent Reading This List
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…