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it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Many hands make light work
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.