[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
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My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
left my hotel balcony door open a bit and a pigeon wandered in, stole some of crackers, screamed at me and then left. so yeah when i die i wanna reincarnate as a big city bird
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
lmfao come on
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and deathMe: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
Just found out that umbrellas open up. I always wondered why my rain stick never kept me dry. We never stop learning do we.
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.