Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
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Happy thanksgiving!
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Anyone have a recipe for chocolate covered strawberries?
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Whoever taught my five-year-old daughter how to “air quote,” I need to speak with you privately.
NEIL DIAMOND: hands, touchin’ hands, reachin’ out, touchin’ me, touchin’ you
WALMART HR: ok so let’s go over the proper way to greet customers
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*
(The next day)
Husband: Have you seen the manual for-
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.