*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
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Annoying to think of how many lives on the Titanic could have been saved if only they had seen the movie.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
Cleared my browser’s history and cookies after having sex with my GF.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Two types of dogs.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
To anyone who hates the idea of sequels, remember that there were 181 Blinks before we got the good one.
*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
COP: Your home was robbed
ME: Dang I had a self-designed alarm system
C: Didn’t work
M: Back to the drawing board
C: They stole that
M: Dang
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?