I can’t remember exactly when I started baring my bottom in public, but it was many moons ago.
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My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
How funny!
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way