If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
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The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
Let’s talk about Sex Baby. I regret you naming our son that. You’re a real piece of shit, Tammy.
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:
I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”