Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
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*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
My mom is coming over to watch the Super Bowl so at least I won’t be the only one here asleep by halftime.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.