*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
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I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
My husband & I finally have an afternoon away from the kids. And then our son texts the family group chat:
“So do we have super glue?”
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
me: most dust is human skin flakes therefore roombas are carnivorous robots and one day the dust won’t satiate them anymore so they will rise up and devour us all
therapist: can we go back to discussing your childhood
me: one sec
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
In Canada they just call them geese
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
“I get plenty of exercise” I tell myself as I eat a banana peel because I’m too lazy to get off the sofa and throw it away
Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco