Sext: ‘Ride me harder, baby. Harder’
Me: ‘I’M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?’
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[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Titanic (1997)
A woman cheats on her rich fiancé with a homeless guy & then throws a giant diamond into the ocean like a big stupid dummy.
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
When the DJ asks if we are ready to party I sometimes lie & say yes even though I really need like 10 min to get ready
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
[watching The Brady Bunch before kids] Why would a stay-at-home mom need a live-in maid?
[after kids] Holy crap I need three live-in maids.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
“Here mom, hold this.”
Translation: I own you now.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what