Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
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*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
when I was 15 I wore bath and body works pear spray and this guy I met at a retreat badgered me about what the scent was b/c it smelled like his girlfriend & she claimed that “some of us just smell that way” so I told him yeah some of us do. I hope wherever she is now she’s good
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Me: *types* “Stupid auto correct loves making me look like an idiot.”
*Autocorrects to* “You’re doing a good job of that yourself.”
This canned chili is terrible. No beans, hardly any spices, and for some reason, the side of the can has a picture of a Golden Retriever.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
ME: You bring that cash you owe me?
ELEPHANT: Oh, sorry man, I forgot.
ME: No you didn’t.
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
MUM 😳
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU TOO.