GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
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I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
Prince Charming: yes she left her shoe now I can find her!
Friend: uh you can find her by recognising her face
Prince Charming:
Friend:
Prince Charming: she left her shoe
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
still bigger than my 1st New York apartment
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
inventing words: clothing
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
In a library, I find it’s best to slap a book closed and whip off my glasses after coming across some unexpectedly harrowing information.
I left a note for my kids this morning to put my clothes in the dryer. Next time, I’ll have to be a little more specific and add START THE DRYER TOO!!!
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?