When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
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American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension
I’m not saying your perfume is too strong. I’m just saying the canary was alive before you got here.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
MOM STOP LICKING YOUR FINGER TO CLEAN MY FACE I’M IN A GANG NOW
People who ask themselves what Jesus would do seem to forget just how badly things worked out for him.
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
What do you mean “yogurt flavored”?! Yogurt is the stuff we have to add flavor to.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
You ever notice that no one ever posts a story about meeting someone from Twitter in real life because they’re probably in a pit in a basement somewhere putting the lotion in the basket?
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.