It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
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13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
“Cake by the Ocean” probably has some alternate meaning but I’m too old to really care so I like to think it’s about a nice, young fellow eating birthday cake on the beach.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great