Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
You Might Also Like
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
My talents are so hidden that I can’t even find them
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
my first day as a raccoon
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
me: psst, wanna see a dead body
nurse at my first surgery: no
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
get you a girl who
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.