Pretty telling how high and mighty my mother has become since she no longer needs help setting the VCR clock.
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Eccentric Millionaire: I’ve invited you to my private island because I crave the deadliest game…
Me: (nodding) Knife Monopoly
Eccentric Millionaire: I was actually going to hunt you for sport, but now I’m really interested in whatever Knife Monopoly is
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
tis the season
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
Butt weight. There’s more!
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
True
Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
SCAM ALERT – IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !
I have so many questions.