90% of parenting is crumb identification.
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WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
So I’m enjoying the cinematography and outfits but the script could do with a few more jokes.
#Coronation
Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
My 10 yr old got an F for his Accelerated Reader grade.
Me, “How did you make an F?!”
10, “Why do you say that so angrily? Maybe F means Fantastic. Maybe First place? Maybe Phenomenal.”So close, kid. So. Close.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Hug your teenagers today. In all likelihood they’ll be mortified by it and you can enjoy that sweet, albeit brief, victory.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
im all 3
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.