The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
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I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
i went viral on linkedin and i now have over 2,000 jobs
Me: Good morning. Allow me to sprinkle some positivity on this gloomy Monday morning.
HR: You can’t just throw glitter at people.
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
“I’m gonna sneak some candy”, my 4yo announced loudly.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.
Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.
J: But, I’m only 13!
S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!
J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*
– Shakespeare Pressure
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Watching my kid pick his nose is disgusting. He wipes the boogers on his shirt instead of the closest cat like a normal person.
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools