Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
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It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
socratic questions
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I don’t like it when my phone puts a word in “quotals” like I made it up or I’m stupid or something.
Holy shit he’s back
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011