Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
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Meth is short for Elizameth.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
My buddy’s wife put him on a strict diet, so now I earn money by selling him Reese’s through the back door.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
“Full bath?”
“Yes sir”
“Double beds?”
“Yes sir”
“Pool?”
“Yes sir”
“Maid service?”
“Yes sir”
“WIFI?”
“Yes sir”“Kids, I found a campsite!”
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
“I have a particular set of spills,” Liam Neeson says, eyeing his soiled shirt.
He looks for a napkin but the last one’s already been Taken.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Be nice to people today, we’re all just trying to get through Monday for the seventh time this month.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
My wife is scrolling through Netflix to see what shows I watched between now and when she asked me to vacuum. Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*