I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
You Might Also Like
ME: The mugger…he called himself “Antman”
SKETCH ARTIST: *puts a dot on a piece of paper*
ME [shaking] omg that’s him!
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
me: whats wrong with this harmonica
cop: thats a breathalyzer
“Please don’t make a scene.” -Horrible movie director
2:10 – perfect popcorn
2:13 – firefighters on scene
Therapist: were you bullied in school?
Me: no
Therapist: oh, did you have a different haircut in school?
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
bored gunna start making up careers: milk sommelier, door to door toothbrush salesman, Sponge repairman, host of america’s funniest sex tapes, Secretary of toiletries, train model, chief executive dysfunction officer, president of a university, pig jockey, salt tester, underwater
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?