By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
You Might Also Like
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
i was gonna go to work today but i lotioned after my shower and now i can’t get my jeans on
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
I question the people that blow their nose in a tissue and then look to see what comes out.
Were they really expecting gold or something?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Executioner: What do you want for your last meal?
Me: Can it be anything
Executioner: Yes
Me: I would like to eat a A318 Airbus
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.