The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
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*couple walking through the house they just bought*
Husband: Hey, honey, there’s an attic!
Wife: Really?
H: *peering into attic with a flashlight* There’s dust everywhere, except on that creepy Victorian doll staring at me.
*later*
Friend: Is there an attic?
Husband: No.
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
accurate
Growing up couldn’t wait to have a room of my own and do whatever I liked. So why did I end up doing the exact opposite by getting married?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
What my back needs
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
Todays yoga pose is Downward Spiral.
If Facebook changed “poke” to “stab” I would use it all the time.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Sometimes after a long hard day at work, it takes me 4 bars to get home
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what