Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
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I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
Love is always patient and kind.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests