My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
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ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
#MeanwhileInCanada
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
“I could play my drum for him? Would your sleeping baby enjoy that?”
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Me at work: I miss my little angels-my favorite little ppl on this planet
Me after an hour of being home: these kids are the spawn of satan
Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
[At the register]
“Find everything ok?”
“No I figured I’d get in line, pay for just a few things, then start the process all over again.”
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?