Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
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Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Dearest Twitter,
Man Flu hath landed upon mine shores.Scientifically proven to be a reality, tis lethal a condition that can befall any man. The lady companion of two decades denies its very existence and scorns my plight. Woe unto me and all men who find themselves afflicted.
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!