It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
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Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
I’m gonna get my vasectomy done at Home Depot like a real man.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
I told my kid not to turn off the lights. He shuffled over to the switch, looked me in the eye and when he touched it he got zapped. It was static electricity, but now he thinks I have powers.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night