Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
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911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
Flat earthers be like ‘you wanna go bowling’ and then start throwing frisbees at the pins.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*