I just learned that at the Vienna airport there’s a counter specifically for people who arrived in Austria instead of Australia as they intended but apparently didn’t try hard enough
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My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
The little toadstool has spoken.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.