Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
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hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
If you see me at a campground, that’s not me. It’s clearly a case of body snatching.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
He tripped, and the laundry basket fell to floor, spilling clothes everywhere.
I sat back and watched it all unfold.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
JOHN LENNON: He wear no shoeshine, he got…toe-jam football, he got…monkey finger, he shoot…Coca-Cola
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: what
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
How does one answer this?
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.