My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
You Might Also Like
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
[1st day as an animal researcher]
*tagging a bear*
Me: you’re it
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
all my dance moves look like i’m trying to tell the guy on first base to steal second
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I don’t want to be a boss babe. I want to be the old groundskeeper who warns guests there’s something terribly wrong with the estate then leaves in a hurry before sundown.
[on a date]
Her: I like a guy who’s chill and not jealous
Me: What’s his name?
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
In banana years, I am bread.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.