No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
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I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: I bet it was to compliment my excellent driving. You’re so sweet to give me positive reinforcement. Bye now. *drives off*
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
How many light bulbs does it take to fix a person?
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
*makes snow angel motions in bed every morning tryna find phone*
Brain: Compliment her eyes
Me: Yeah?
Brain: Trust me“YOUR EYES ARE BLUE LIKE BLUEBERRIES & THEY’RE PROBABLY SQUISHY TOO.”
Brain: Perfect!
This total stranger wanted to have a spontaneous tickle fight on the street and…oh…nope, never mind I’m being robbed. Guys I’m being rob
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin