Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
You Might Also Like
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Doctor: How did you manage to get this stuck in your throat?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Garfunkel: There’s must be 49 ways to leave a lover
Simon: I think it’s closer to 50
Garfunkel mumbles angrily: …49 ways to kill your singing partner
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
Everyone is exhausted by the pandemic, except my neighbor’s dog who has been barking non-stop since 2016.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
My incontinence jokes are much like the instructions on the side of my chamber pot.
Piss, Pour.
Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.
Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.
Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.