do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
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My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not
Kids too energetic? Make them go on a walk with you and they’ll suddenly be unable to move any part of their body.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
[mysterious old lady flips tarot card revealing a dude who looks exactly like me flying a hot air balloon into power lines]
Me: is that good
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
“i was born in the wrong generation” bro we can literally fry shit with the air. what else do u want
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico