Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 7
They go after the guy who has killed 1000s of turtles
The Ninja Turtles corner him
Mario jumps on them all
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6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
you don’t need therapy you just need to sit in the woods w/ your feet in a stream a dog by your side 1 million dollars in your pocket & a song in your heart
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
Him: why do you keep poking me ?
Her: I’m looking for the mute button
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Sixteen years and 200+ million users ago, we could not have imagined ourselves here. Today, Vimeo is a public company. Thank you to everyone who helped us reach this point. We can’t wait to take Vimeo into the future. #VMEO
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
I have 1 calorie left for the day on MyFitnessPal app. I think I’ll eat this fruit fly that’s been annoying me.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
my sister-in-law: I feel bad that dogs hafta poop outside in the rain.
my 9yo: it’s actually kinda fun you should try it.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
If you bring an acoustic guitar to a bonfire I’m going to assume it’s for fuel.
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
BANK WEBSITES: This transaction may take 2-3 business days to process.
Oh, ok, are the computers on vacation, or what?
She gives you butterflies.
She makes your hands sweat.
She sends chills down your spine.She just gave you her stomach virus.
my plan for the new year: getting fit as a fiddle, complete with strings, bridge, tailpiece, chin rest, and f-hole.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.