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A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
Omg 🤣
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
You can be 30+ years old with children of your own and your parents will tell you not to eat too much ice cream because you threw up once when you were 8
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Coworker said ‘nice pink shirt, when did you come out?’ I said ‘IT’S NOT PINK IT’S SALMON!’. Then I snapped my fingers and skipped away.
When I was a kid I vowed that when I grew up my freezer would always be filled with ice cream bars.
Meet my wife, the dream killer.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me