*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
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MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
this FaceApp is creepy af
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
I hope that boomerang I threw in 2009 is happy out there somewhere, maybe in a relationship with little boomerangs that don’t listen either.
Being a little kid must be so wild. You just learned that chicken nuggets come from chickens, your mom’s brother is your uncle, and your teeth will soon start to fall out.
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.