So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
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God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
I don’t think my Uber passengers understand how hard it is to do pretzels in a parking lot, but I can tell they’re having a good time by their screams.
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first