So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
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A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
The walk of shame but it’s my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Cleaned out my car yesterday, it only took me 15 years.
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
*puts dreamcatcher above bed*
“Sure hope this works”
*wakes up in the middle of the night*
*Ryan Gosling is stuck in dreamcatcher*
“YES”
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
We’re all 60% water, so get off your high horse “aqua” man