Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
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Talking to a toddler is like working customer service. For example, she’s screaming at me and I’m apologizing for something I had nothing to do with.
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
8: [dragging the dog by her front legs]
me: don’t do that! Would you like it if I pulled you by your arms everywhere?
8: I don’t care
me: hm ok
Narrator: oh but he did care. He cared A LOT in fact.
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
mario: I hate you
wario: and I hate you
mario:
wario:
mario: do you wanna play tennis
wario: lmao hell yeah
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
Cop: When the meteor landed on the Old Navy Store it obliterated the clearance section.
Me (also a cop): *Solemnly* Yes. There were many casual tees.
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Vandalism should be allowed on any vehicle who’s alarm has been going off for more than 5 minutes.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
I have no problem sticking to a diet if I go to sleep right after breakfast.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?