According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
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[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Imagine if your dad was a Minotaur and your mom was a Mermaid and you got the human half of both and now you’re just some guy
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
Natural selection at its finest
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.