new record!
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Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Don’t ask me for advice…I advocate breakups and crime.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.