Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
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If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
I only want to be cremated if they use real cream.
Sunday
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
[clown interview]
Why become a professional clown?
me: [picturing getting hit in the face with cream pies every day] um I like kids
If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
I’ve decided to go out on the street tonight.
Can’t wait to be chased by the police.
At least a man will finally be chasing me.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
a god among men
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
I shower with a suicide note in case I slip and die, at least I can make it look intentional instead of stupid.
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)