My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
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PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Breaking news:
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Hey guys, I almost did a backflip today!
EMT: Please try not to speak, sir.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Okay friends, gonna start reading Garfield comics please don’t spoil which day he doesn’t like for me.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
Holy crap this is wonderful
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
Children look up to me. They say “Hey mister why are ya sleepin in that tree?”
Me: how much for the horse kabobs
Ride operator: it’s a carousel