kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
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I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME:
GF:
ME: I think the router has reset now
GF: Oh thank God
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I’m calling about the poster for your missing cat. Why not ask the guy who took that picture? Just kidding, I ran over it.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no