It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
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Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Husband: Do you know where I put my lava lamp?
Me: 1970.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Ah yes keep complaining the guy at 7/11 doesn’t speak English well enough, like you aren’t the moron who needs help in a convenience store
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
When you make the mistake of leaving a big cozy pillow on the cat’s favorite chair, that pillow is gone daddy gone.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hot dog demon: not you again
Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs